They Kept Rowing

I’m so glad that today is Sunday. Church was, as always, was so meaningful. It seems that most every week something in the service touches me right where I am.

The sermon today was based on the gospel lesson. The five thousand had been fed and the disciples are rowing across a choppy sea to Bethsaida at Jesus’ request. Walking upon the water, He nears their boat and they are afraid, thinking they are seeing a ghost. Jesus then gets into the boat and the wind ceases. Eventually they cross the sea and end up at Gennesaret.
It was pointed out that no where in this passage does it say that the boat was suddenly transported to the shore once Jesus got into the boat. So we can assume that the disciples kept rowing to get across the sea. They were struggling on their journey, they became afraid when they saw Jesus but did not recognize him, and then Jesus calmed the wind causing the rowing to be less of a struggle; but the disciples did keep rowing. They did what was necessary to get to the other side. Interestingly enough, when they got to the other side they were at Gennesaret, not Bethsaida. They did not end up where they were headed, but the following verses tell us that many miracles of healing took place as the sick were brought to Jesus. They didn’t end up where they thought they were going, but the ministry continued.

Keep rowing: sounds reminiscent of yesterday’s post “Just Keep Plodding Along”. I’ll never get anywhere if I give up and stop. If the disciples were upset that they ended up in a different location than where they were planning to go, the scriptures don’t tell us. The important thing for me to note however, is that things turned out just fine. For all we know, maybe even better than they would have if they’d gotten to their planned destination. Jesus didn’t seem concerned that they didn’t make it to Bethsaida that day; he just took advantage of the situation and met the needs of the people in Gennesaret. The Gennesaret people were blessed.

Ok Jesus, I think I get it: keep rowing and you’ll take care of the rest. I believe Lord, help my unbelief.

Just Keep Plodding Along

I really wonder sometimes; will I EVER get it right? It: as in life, and how I handle things. Why can’t I relax, have confidence that things will indeed work out?…hummm, sounds like it’s faith I need to have. Why do I always seem to panic, fight fear and insecurity, get emotional, get defensive (when I know that is never appropriate), and get frustrated which then leads to being angry…..usually at myself for my poor reactions? “Be smooth”, says my dear husband. I’ve been trying for 20 years and have yet to accomplish it. At my age, I have to wonder if there is any hope for me. I think the only reason I don’t just give up entirely is that I don’t seem to know how to do that either. So no matter how discouraged I may feel, I’ll just keep plodding along. Maybe that IS faith; to keep plodding along in spite of never quite getting it together.

Cave Lesson

When we look across a field or walk through a woods, more than likely we are not thinking about what is under the ground, but rather what is right there on the level where we live. We live in a beautiful world and most of us assume that the beauty ends with the soil we stand on. It’s interesting to realize however, that in reality there is a whole other beautiful world far beneath our feet, and most of it will never been seen by human eyes. This unseen world is in fact shrouded in a darkness so complete that it could only be visible to One with the ability to see beyond, within, and without any darkness or light that we can imagine.

I have a great summer job as a tour guide at a “show cave”, as caves or caverns open to the public are referred to. This cave is a labyrinth cave, which means that it’s passages and chambers are part of a larger cave system in the limestone layer of the earth. Cave systems can be huge; even running beneath the ground of several states. This is the only show cave in this area, meaning that the majority of the cave system in the area has been seen only by it’s Creator.

Underground caverns are full of marvelous and beautiful things; fantastic rock formations, fossils, stalactites, stalagmites, flowstone, and more. This beauty is especially impressive to me because it is largely unseen. I think I have always assumed that our planet is filled with such beauty (above ground) because God loves us so much that He wants us to have a beautiful place to spend our days. But now I’ve come to think a bit differently. I think perhaps God values beauty so much that He has created it not only in places where people will enjoy it, but also in places that only He will see. I believe that to God beauty must be of vast importance; and so it should be to us, who are created in His image.

Being Time

My all time favorite author is Madeleine L’Engle. Whatever the genre, anything of hers that I’ve ever read has spoken to me in profound ways. I recently re-read Walking on Water: Reflections on Faith and Art, a book rich with insight. Here’s the insight for today.

When I am constatly running there is no time for being. When
there is no time for being there is no time for
listening. I will never understand the silent dying of the green pie-apple
tree if I do not slow down and listen to what the Spirit is telling me,
telling me of the death of trees, the death of planets, of people, and what
all these deaths mean in the light of love of the Creator who brought them
all into being; who brought me into being; and you. (page 13)

I took time for being today. It was a lovely day; cool enough to turn off the air conditioning and open the windows. I read and played a computer game and wrote and napped, and best of all was when I lit my special candle and focused all my attention on the One Who Loves Me Most…listening. What was the Spirit telling me? I’m not completely sure, but it had something to do with Light and Life. I think all I really understand is that God is so much more than I can comprehend and has SO much more to offer to me than I can even imagine. I just have to take the time to be; to connect with the Divine; to open myself to Christ The Great Light.

I Just Don’t Believe It

In recent months I’ve been asking a lot of questions that I never before allowed myself to ask. (Thank God I am finally in a church that sees the value in asking questions, even difficult ones.) One of the BIG questions is this: “If God truly is LOVE then how can He condem the majority of His creation to the eternal torment of hell?” It’s become a really important issue with me. The more I think about it, pray about it, and read things on this issue, the more agitated I have become. I feel like this is something that I have to “figure out”, or at least figure out what I personally think and be able to support that belief. I posed the question to a trusted friend (ok, it’s my husband) and his answer was very cut and dried: “God is just”. I refrained from screaming what I was thinking, which was, “I know that is what we have been taught, but IT DOES NOT MAKE SENSE BECAUSE GOD IS LOVE AND HIS JUSTICE WOULD HAVE TO INVOLVE LOVE, and there is NO love in the brand of justice that shows no mercy.

Interestingly enough, I keep “running across” books and articles that in some way end up addressing this question; usually when I’m not even looking for them. Such was my experience today when I happened upon a particular website and began reading. (I am in no way advocating this website, and in fact find some of it rather questionable, but it’s only right to give credit where credit is due.)

HERE The article talks about how early on fear enters our hearts because we are taught that God’s goodness depends upon our actions and beliefs. (I can relate to that.) It continues,

“Soon after that, we may try to accept contradictions, for instance, that God is infinite Love, but sends unbelievers to eternal torture in hell…” Something struck me with that “try to accept contradictions” phrase, and I suddenly knew that I don’t believe that my LOVING God condems anyone to ETERNAL torture. I just don’t believe it. And besides that, I have no desire to have a relationship with anyone that would be so merciless and fickle.

I don’t have everything settled in my mind as to why I believe, or do not beleive, what I do, but I feel as sure about it as I do about anything. I’ll have to trust that God will work out the details and that He will help me to understand what I need to and have faith for the rest. My dear husband will probably think I’ve turned into a regular heretic with this new thinking. Ah well, at least for now, I won’t bother to tell him.

Just a Bottle of Water

As I pulled into the parking space at Walgreen’s, I couldn’t help but notice the shaggy haired young man sitting on the bench near the door. He leaned back wearily, eyes closed, with his sunburned face slightly upturned. He looked so hot wearing a dark jacket in the 90 degree heat. I wondered what his sad story was. I did my business quickly and bought a large bottle of water which I handed to him on my way back to my car. “You look hot”, was all I said as I handed him the water and flashed a smile. Our eyes met but a second, he mumbled “thanks”, and I went on my way. He set the bottle down at his feet at first, but as I pulled out I saw him pick it up, open it, then slowly drink. As I drove away I asked God to bless the man and to help him. Then I thanked God for this opportunity to share His love in a small way. Now I’m a little part of this guy’s story, and perhaps at some time he will remember that bottle of water and somehow know that God cared enough for him to provide it.

The Opposite of Uncertainty

Vacation visit to Ocean City NJ was very nice. Highlights included: seeing the ocean, spending time with daughter, an art lesson, hearing the ocean, resting, reading, ocean breezes, a lovely B&B to stay in, walking on the beach, a ride on the giant ferris wheel, crab cakes, browsing in downtown shops, and walking on the beach at night. Oh, and of course, spending time with my dear husband…after more than 26 years we find that we are finally able to relax and have fun together. (smile)

I find that if I will only listen, God will teach me things at any time or anyplace. I began to learn something very important on the way to the beach. Here’s the story.

We had planned to make the trip in 2 days, stopping for the night as soon as we got through Philadelphia. (Driving through Philly was awful, by the way!) For whatever reason, we just did not see any of those nice signs near freeway exits indicating available lodging. So we kept going, and kept looking, and eventually stopped and asked someone for information. By that time however, it was dark and we were too close to Atlantic City to find anything suitable at a suitable price. Tired and frustrated I, as per usual, panicked. I’d like to say my reaction to these events was better, but cannot. I have recently become aware of the fact that uncertainty REALLY bothers me, and this incident underscored that fact. Having little hope, I phoned the B&B where we had a reservation for the following night. I explained the situation and the guy said, amazingly enough, that he thought someone was talking to his wife at that moment about canceling for the night. He said he’d call me back in 15 minutes. We kept driving toward OC while we waited and the wife called shortly saying that a room had just opened up. WOW! So we got directions and eventually, after a few wrong turns in spite of that, arrived at our destination. I never doubted for a minute that this was God’s provision. It was a blessing for our hosts as well because they didn’t lose a nights rent on the room. As it turned out, everything worked out much better by our arriving that night rather than the following morning anyway.
As I pondered this incident, I first was brought to repentance. I did not have faith, I did not trust God to work things out; I got upset. I let the uncertainty of the situation completely throw me off balance. Next, I had to admit that even if that room had not become available it would not have been the end of things! Somewhere in all of OC, surely there would have been a room somewhere….It just would have taken a while to find it. Finally, I had this “ah-ha!” realization about the whole uncertainty thing. I had assumed that the opposite of uncertainty was to know and understand, to have things planned out, to be certain of an outcome. This is true in one sense, but there’s more to it because life IS uncertain. We will not always understand…..plans go awry….even what is thought to be certain we sometimes discover is not. For those of us whom God is our Source, the opposite of uncertainty is FAITH. Wow. The truth is, I don’t have to know everything, and I do not need to panic or become consumed with anxiety when a situation is uncertain. I need give the situation to the One who knows all be certain in faith. That’s it.

Now, I’m sure it will take facing many more uncertain situations for me to make this realization a reality in my life; but at least, I believe, I’m on the way. I have hope that there will come a day when instead of reacting to uncertainty with panic and anxiety, I discover that I act in faith.

Off on an Adventure

The bags are packed and I’m ready to go! We leave tomorrow for the New Jersey Shore; a place I’ve never been before. I do love the ocean. The rhythm of the waves….the rhythm of creation….the heartbeat of God.

Good Morning

I love mornings when I can take my time waking up. It’s wonderful to listen to the birds singing, say a prayer, and think about the day ahead all before I get out of bed. I’ve lots to do today as we leave for a much anticipated vacation tomorrow morning, but God reminds me that when I allow him to order my day I get a lot more accomplished anyway. So, here I am Lord…

O Lord, our heavenly Father, almighty and everlasting God, who has safely brought us to the beginning of this day: Defend us in the same with thy mighty power; and grant that this day we fall into no sin, neither run into any kind of danger; but that we, being ordered by thy governance, may do always what is righteous in thy sight; through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen

BCP p.57 Morning Prayer I

God Is the ONE in Charge

I’ve done a lot of thinking since writing the story of my spiritual journey. I can surely see that God has been my guide all along and that he has provided for me in some extraordinary ways. I am somewhat embarrassed that I ‘bought into’ some of the things I did, and the very ungracious attitude and actions I had about other people and ideas that resulted. Oh God, forgive me! So many times I walked in judgment rather than love. I don’t know what to make of some things that I experienced and participated in in the past. I am surprised that the uncertainty bothers me so much. I feel the need to figure things out, yet know that God will help me figure out what I need to understand, and for the rest I’ll just have to trust Him with it. After I got all this written down, I was relieved that felt that those things I’m not so sure about anymore, especially those things in the realm of the Spirit, I could put on a shelf and leave there. I thought that these things could stay on the shelf forever if that’s what I chose. But then by a very unusual circumstance, God showed me that I am not the one in control here!

I’m in a small group that has been exploring completative prayer, among other things. We decided to sit quietly in prayer and see where the Spirit would lead, and some prayed aloud or offered some form of praise or worship to God. The presence of God was very sweet. Then, to my shock and dismay, one woman began speaking a message in tongues with interpretation! In my “safe little Episcopal church”! I was the one in the group that was familiar with this sort of thing, yet I was far more upset about this startling occurrence than anyone else in. I didn’t think I’d have to deal with this issue ever again. Hummmm.

Much could be said about this event, but I’ll stick to what it did for me. This happened the day after I wrote ‘The Road to Here”. God clearly was showing me that he wants me to deal with my issues and that my present and future cannot be separated from my past, nor should they be. When the charismatics left denominational churches to start their own ’spirit filled churches’, typically anything that hinted at tradition was cast away as unnecessary, out of date, harmful even, and in some cases even demonic. I think that this accounts for much of the imbalance in the churches I was in. Yet, is what I wanted to do really so different? To cast away any belief, action, or practice that was a part of my past simply because it was a part of my past would be equally short sighted and presumptuous. God will not be put into a box or be confined in any way. He is sovereign and I need to remember that.

My King and Lord I give it all to you. The past and present and future, the known and unknown, and assumed to be known. Shed you Light on it all so that Your truth may be revealed in my heart and life. You are in control and you are my certainty.

Lord, in your mercy, hear my prayer.