Twenty-seven Years

Today is our Anniversary. 27 years. That’s a long time.

27 years ago I was a girl of not yet 21. Young, naive, lacking in knowledge and wisdom and probably discernment as well, I was in love with a man and even more in love with being in love. I felt like a queen that day. It was MY day, more-so than any day before or since. I was special that day. I was beautiful. We were happy and full of hope; confident that ours would be a good and lasting marriage relationship. We were certain that it was God that brought us together.

We have lasted but I take little credit for it, and I doubt that dear husband does either. It is only the grace of a loving God that has brought us to this day of remembrance 27 years later. There have been more rough times than not, and I can’t tell you how many times I became certain that it certainly was NOT God that brought us together. To be honest, it’s only been in the last year that it’s gotten really good, and that peace reigns in our home almost all the time. We’ve raised two children together and for sure could have done a better job of it. It hurts to admit that many of the issues I see in their lives have a direct correlation with issues in the lives of the parents who raised them. Perhaps that’s the way it always is. Perhaps that’s not unusual. But it sure is not how I planned for things to turn out.

I have no idea whether or not it was indeed God’s perfect will for hubby and I to marry, but I know that this is where we are and it is surely His will for us to remain. And I’ve no desire anymore not to remain. (I’ll give hubby credit, he’s never doubted that we were meant to be together.) He’s the best friend I’ve got at this point. We’ve been through so much together. It’s better than ever and I see no reason that our relationship would not continue to improve.

27 years is a long time. I’m a different person in so many ways than I was them. Hubby is a different person than he was then. But our God is the same; then, now, and forever. Somehow this knowledge gives me great hope for the future. Happy Anniversary to us!

Bad Day

Jesus, my beloved friend,
Is ever with me,
To the end.
Through the good days,
Through the bad,
Even days like the one I’ve had.
Help me Friend,
To do better tomorrow,
For days like today fill me with sorrow.

Toxic Malt Ball

Hubby bought some malt balls. Great big ones. Thick chocolate surrounding the crunchy malted center. I decided to have one for desert. Within a minute of eating it I knew something was wrong. My throat was itchy and my face began to feel hot. Upon reading the ingredients on the package of those yummy looking maltballs I discovered that they contained crushed peanuts. Bad news. I have a severe allergy to nuts. So I quickly downed 3 Benedryl capsules and told myself that I should have known better than to eat something like that without checking the ingredients.So, what is the lesson here, other than the obvious one of ‘read the label before putting ANYTHING in my mouth’?

Things are not always what they appear to be. I couldn’t see those crushed peanuts, or taste them, or smell them. But there they were ready to poison me.

Just because something was safe once, or even many times, in your experience doesn’t mean that it won’t be quite the opposite at some other time. I’ve eaten plenty of malt balls before and never had any ill effects. I assumed that they were safe for me to ingest. But I didn’t check to find out for sure. Sometimes we run off and do things that seem good without checking with the One who knows for sure whether it is good for us or not. Sometimes those seemingly good things turn out to have a toxic effect upon our spirits, even if no visible bodily harm occurs. I don’t know about anyone else but I don’t want to wind up in the wrong place at the wrong time, or in the right place at the wrong time, or in the right place at the right time doing the wrong thing. That takes far more coordination than I can possibly muster, so I must depend upon God’s help.

We need to understand what is toxic to us personally, and remember that it might be something different for the person standing next to us. My husband loves peanut butter, but it would kill me to eat it. I can’t read novels that graphically describe violent acts or that are full of bad language. Reading stuff like that messes with my mind. Those popular romance novels don’t do me any good either.

Who would have thought that an innocent looking toxic malt ball could lead to so much insight?

God Answers Prayer….In the Way He Chooses

In the sermon today the point was made that we are often like children on Christmas morning that have in mind the exact gift that they want. They want that one gift so badly that they don’t even care about the other gifts they might find under the Christmas tree. Their little hearts are so set on that one thing that they don’t even notice the other wonderful things they have been given. As for us, we pray and look for the answers to our prayers. God does indeed answer prayer; we can count on that. But he doesn’t always answer in the way that we have in mind. God’s answer may be different than what we were thinking, or it may come in a different package, or it may not come in the exact time-frame that we are expecting. Often when one of these things happens, we fail to notice the other wonderful blessings that he is bestowing upon us. We may even fail to notice when he answers our prayer. Or we may feel that the answer is not what we wanted and refuse to accept it in our hearts.Good point. Don’t put God in a box. He’s too big and he won’t fit into any box we could possibly construct; and neither will his gifts to us. We must pray and wait in faith with expectation for God’s answer. At the same it may be wise to acknowledge that he’ll not be limited by our preconceived notions, and pray that he’ll help us to recognize HIS answer when it comes.

Prayer

God of All there Is, I thank you for your many blessings. I thank you that you are the One in all my life that is certain. I thank you that you are certain to hear and to answer my prayers. Open my eyes to see you in the circumstances of my life. Open my eyes to see your answers to my prayers. Open my heart to accept your soverign will for my life, and to accept with delight the gifts you choose to give me.

Amen.

Does Being "Episcopalian in Your Heart" Count?

“I found out that I can become a member of my local church without actually becoming a member of the Episcopal denomination”, I explained to my husband in a recent conversation. “Why would you want to do that? Are they going to give you a membership card or something?” was his reply. Why indeed. We both, nearly 28 years ago I might add, had renounced anything anything even faintly hinting of denominationalisim (is that a word?). Churches we “belonged to” had no formal membership. If you showed up for a month or so you were considered a member; if you stopped showing up, then you weren’t any more. If you expressed agreement with whatever theology was being promoted by the leadership you were a member in good standing; if you dared to voice disagreement you were suspect. Any sense of connectedness or belonging I ever felt was short lived at best.

I explained that in becoming a member I would be saying to the people there, “I’m choosing you as my family. This is where I want to be. This is where I belong.” Hubby seemed to understand that. Then he started talking about an article he read in the newspaper about the Episcopal Church and the fighting that’s going on. Either he misunderstood what was being said in the article or the information presented was somewhat inaccurate, because what he told me was said was not quite what I’ve been hearing. So I began to tell him my take on what is going on. I began, “There is a group that is against women priests and”…”Priests!”, he nearly shouted. “They call the ministers priests,” I explained. “When I talk to you I always say ‘minister’ or ‘pastor’ because that’s the terminology you’re familiar with.” The conversation didn’t get much further than that. He indicated that he felt it was WRONG to refer to anyone as a priest. “It’s just a word”, I replied. I was thinking, “Why does that terminology bother you so much?”, but didn’t feel it was the time to ask. I briefly mentioned the issue of inclusiveness (not using that term though), which he had read about. It certainly wasn’t the time to pursue that issue either, so I let it go at that.

Finally, I flat out asked him how he would feel about it should I desire to become a member of the church. That seems to be ok with him, but he indicated that he would definitely not be ok with me wanting to become a member of the denomination.

I very much want to become a member of both my local parish (no point in using that term with hubby either right now). With each passing month the desire to become a member of the church as a whole (yes the denomination) grows. When I first began going to my church I felt that I was to wait a year before taking any action toward actual membership, and that’s not until January. So I will wait. But I want the world to know that in my heart I’m an Episcopalian. I will pray for the courage to break the news to hubby.

Brandon: Picture of Humanity

I have a little boy in my class, I’ll call him Brandon, who from the beginning has pretty much refused to do any school work. He dawdles, plays with his pencil and anything else he can get his hands on, talks to the kid seated next to him, makes noises, and stares into space. He can even manage to look like he’s working and do absolutely nothing. He acts like he doesn’t care if he has to miss recess and will tell me he didn’t want to play anyway. He doesn’t respond to my kindness or my sternness. He obviously doesn’t like it when I send him to the principal’s office, but even that does not cause him to change his behavior. I’ve talked to Brandon’s mom several times in the past week and a half, but nothing she’s done at home has had an impact either. Brandon tells me that he is smarter than anyone in the class. He tells me that he doesn’t need to go to school because his grandpa taught him to shoot a (BB) gun and to throw knives.

Little Brandon obviously has some issues. For starters, he feels a need to be in control. Turns out mom is having a baby and he’s afraid she won’t love him anymore. There are many reasons this kid acts as he does and I’m just beginning to figure out why and what to do to help him. This situation has me thinking though: Perhaps we look to God just like little Brandon looks to me. We want to be in control. We want to do what we want to do. We make excuses for our sin. We act like we don’t care, or don’t even notice, the consequences of our actions. We have no fear, even of the ultimate authority. We know enough. May God have mercy on us all and set us free.

Safety

No one is safe by his own strength, but he is safe by the grace and mercy of God.

– St. Cyprian

 

I think it is wisdom to do what we can reasonably do to insure health and safety for ourselves and our families. To do things such as eat right, wash my hands frequently (I work in a school after all!), drive at or near the speed limit, and shred papers to guard against identity theft just make sense. But the truth is, we can take every precaution possible and still find that we are not safe enough. Unexpected and unpredictable things happen: like getting grass in your eye and ending up with an infection that will ultimately affect your vision, getting rear-ended on the freeway when traffic suddenly stops, or even a terrorist attack. God alone has the power to keep us safe. While it seems that even God is unpredictable, choosing to protect some and not others in a situation for instance, I have to believe that living within the bounds of his grace and mercy is certainly the safest place to be. And so I will never cease to pray each and every day that God’s love expressed through his grace and mercy will be extended to me and to those I care about; to keep us safe, to deliver us from evil, to keep us healthy, to heal us when we find we are not healthy, and to guide us in his ways.

They Keep Coming Back

It was school open house this evening. They served spaghetti in the cafeteria and parents could stop in their child’s room either before or after. I had already met quite a few of my parents at a classroom open house that I had before school began, but I did get to meet some that I’d not seen before. What really blessed me though were the parents and students from last year, the year before, and even further back that stopped in to say hello. I even got to see two girls that I had nine years ago! Maybe I’m reading too much into it, but I must have done something right to make them want to come back to see me!

My Prayer

Lord Jesus Christ, You are my life and my classroom is my mission field. When I touch a child, may Your love flow through me. Above all, help me to love, even in those moments when I am angry or frustrated. Help me to keep a holy perspective amidst the pressures and demands of the job. Give me the grace to go into my classroom each day and do my best and even more, for You are with me. Amen.

Reflections on 9/11: I Remember

September 11. Another couple of decades from now we may forget the exact year we refer to, but the date is forever etched in our memories. I was at school that day, teaching first grade. I took my kids to the cafeteria at 11:30, having no idea that anything had happened. I noticed that the adults seemed a bit subdued, but in my busy-ness didn’t think much of it. A few minutes later when I walked into the office, the secretary and some school volunteers were talking and I quickly got the idea that something BAD had happened. “Didn’t you hear?”, someone said to me when I questioned what they were talking about. (“How would I hear?”, I thought. “I don’t hear anything unless someone comes to my room and tells me!”) After being filled in on the astounding news, I rushed to my room to turn on the television. I was in shock. I prayed. I cried as I watched the news reports, hardly able to believe what I was seeing. I began to wonder what to tell my children.Then my thoughts turned to my own family. Remembering that my oldest was planning to drive to the city after school, I called his school and left instructions that he should not do that. I knew that people would be in a panic; many parents were already calling our school and a few came to get their kids. I heard reports that some people were leaving major cities and was suddenly glad I lived in the country. I did not linger after school that day. I clearly remember walking down the front steps thinking that life as we know it was surely over, and wondering how the sun could continue to shine after such a thing had happened.

I did talk to my school children, knowing what they would be seeing on the TV when they got home. We looked at the map and found New York and Washington D. C. I emphasized how far away these places were from us. (Not really far, but to a first grader….) I did not know until later that the father of one of my students made regular trips to the Pentagon for his job. Had he been there that particular day, he would have been in the portion that was hit.

It’s five years later now, and life is not quite so different as I had feared that it might be. I expected that there would be more attacks and believe that it is only the grace and mercy of God that there have not been. At the time, I joined in wholeheartedly with the surge of patriotism that swept the country, yet was very aware that our safety and security can be in God alone. That truth is now firmly rooted in my consciousness.

I read a very thought provoking article on another blog site discussing what Christians still need to learn five years after 9/11. Vanguard Church: Five Years After 9/11 – What Christians Have NOT Learned I encourage anyone reading here to visit this site. We all need to prayerfully think about the points made by the author, Rob Robinson.

In closing, a song keeps running through my mind: “Let there be peace on Earth, and let it begin with me….” Amen. So be it.

Thoughts and more……

My thoughts and energy this past week have been consumed with getting the school year started. The first full week of school begins tomorrow morning. I finally feel like I’m mentally ready. I realized that before this past week my thoughts had been so focused on hubby and his sick eye that I had not thought enough about school to be really ready. Transitions of any kind have never been easy for me, though they are often good, so it takes a lot of energy.

I’ve become obsessed with light lately. After sitting in the dark or near dark for 5 weeks with hubby, I suppose it’s understandable. I’ve been gathering information and pondering and praying, and will have some interesting thoughts on this topic to write about soon.

It’s been 6 weeks now that hubby has been dealing with the sick eye. He is much better, I’m thrilled to say. The eye is healing, he can stand some light, the corneal ulcer is healed, and the center white spot is thinning. The doctor said he may be well in a month. All I know is to keep praying and trusting and try to allow God to work in me however he chooses through all of this.

Hubby even came to our church picnic today. He’s never been to church with me, so I showed him around and introduced him to the people I know. I wonder what he thought. A couple of women who had just discovered their birthday’s are within days of one another were discussing their astrological sign and I’m sure that did not make a good impression on hubby. We were always taught that such things were evil; I don’t know what I think anymore, but I’m pretty sure I know what he thinks! I need to ponder all this. How do I handle situations like this when the more liberal thinking of my new friends is evident? Is it my responsibility to defend? Is it my problem if hubby or daughter (who was also there) can’t reconcile such thinking with Christian faith? I find that I’ve become accepting, or at least willing to admit that there may be more than one way to look at some things, of so many things that I was previously taught were absolutely “of the devil”. Gee, what if I’m wrong? Talk about transition pains! Sometimes I don’t know which way is up anymore. But I DO know beyond all doubt that I am loved by God and accepted by Him whether my thinking is all correct or not.

I thank you Lord,

That you show me the Way,

That you teach me more,

Day by day.

That wherever I go,

Whatever I choose,

Whatever I go through,

You will use.

I thank you my Lord,

For your love abounding,

Your grace and your beauty,

Are simply astounding.