Christmas day is nearly over. The best part is that my family was all together. I’m not saying it was not stressful at times, but good nonetheless. It’s been a great relief actually after a year of intense prayer and wondering.
My birthday yesterday was a great day. Daughter came to church with me in the morning. We all went to a movie in the afternoon, and managed to laugh about it even though the movie was not what we expected. My dear family gave me thoughtful and welcome birthday gifts. In the evening daughter beat me at Scrabble and we went together to the Christmas Eve service. The service was beautiful and moving.
There are many thoughts swimming through my consciousness that I want to write about, but I am tired. Another day….
The Light has come,
The Light has come to me;
The Light has come,
Causing darkness to flee.
I welcome the Light,
I throw open my gates,
Come fill me O Light!
Vanquish all dark estates!
This candle of mine,
Now lit by Light’s breath,
Shall burn ever bright,
Burn bright ’till my death.
And even beyond,
The Light shall illume;
Where The Light dwells,
There can be no doom.
The Light has come!
There is life where there’s Light;
In me shine ever brighter,
I will live,
I will fight.
I will live,
Forever,
In The Light.
Nancy Marie — Christmas Eve 2006
Some days I wish that I
lived by myself,
No one else’s expectations to meet
or fail to meet,
No one else’s unreasonable claims
to listen to,
No one to misunderstand me or
accuse me of things that really are not true.
Some days I think it would be better
to be lonely alone than to be lonely in the
company of those I live with.
Some days…..
well, some days are just like today;
and some days are better.
I just read this in an email someone sent to me.
THE POWER OF PRAYER.
I believe that God only gives three answers to prayer:
1. “Yes!”
2. “Not yet.”
3. “I have something better in mind.”
Everyone is home for Christmas……..and I find myself wishing I could go away. (Everyone as in son, daughter, and husband who is always here…at least in a physical sense.) I was so looking forward to seeing the kids! I love my family more than any people on the planet. It is equally true that my family causes me more stress that do any other people on the planet. What a paradox. At present I have one mad at me, another upset and crying, and another saying he doesn’t want to be here. Merry Christmas.
When I was young I dreamed of a close knit family who could genuinely enjoy being together. A family with healthy emotional connections. A family that communicated. I admit that I am secretly jealous of families that seem to be like that. I never had that with my family of origin and I really thought I could manage to do better. I tried and I failed. Some dreams are destined to die a slow and painful death.
Throw into this mix the fact that I am very aware that I must protect myself. I am still physically and emotionally weak from my illness and recent hospitalization. I feel spiritually weakend too but am not aware of the cause of this maladay. Things were getting very tense at the dinner table and I just got up and left and went to the library for 2 hours. I would have stayed much longer but the library closed. Probably not the best way to handle the situation, but I didn’t know what else to do. I simply do not have the energy to do battle of any kind, even the keep your mouth shut and just don’t say anything kind.
Lord, have mercy. Please.
As I opened the red door of St. Peter’s today I was a bit nervous about being around so many people and, potentially, dreaded illness causing germs. Realistically I should be careful, but I can’t isolate myself forever! Anyway, peace came to me and I sensed the Lord saying to me, “You are safe here in this building.” Thank you merciful God, for once again calming my (probably irrational) fears.I settled into a pew just before the bells rang. I love to hear the bells ring! The service began and I felt like I’d finally come home again. My singing voice is a bit croaky but I rejoiced in the fact that I was there to sing those hymns, even the ones I wasn’t familiar with. When I sunk to my knees before the alter rail awaiting the Eucharist I was filled with such gratitude. It was with a sense of awe and relief that I received the blessed bread and wine, thus once again experiencing the great mystery of Christ’s presence.
My Prayer
Thank you beloved Lord for bringing me to this day I have eagerly awaited. Thank you for returning health and for the vision to become healthier than I was even before all this illness hit me. Thank you for my family and my church family. Help me always to be as grateful as I am today; as I was this morning when I said to myself, “It is not enough that my lips praise God…let every cell of my body praise His Holy Name.” Yes, let me be forever yours God, and forever grateful.
I was listening to a Josh Groban CD today as I drove home from the dentist. It’s funny how I can listen to something many times, yet not hear it. Today for the first time I heard a song called Let Me Fall. I’ll just record the first two verses here.
Let me fall
Let me climb
There’s a moment when fear
And dreams must collide
Someone I am
Is waiting for courage
The one I want
The one I will become
Will catch me
It’s obvious to me why this beautiful song spoke to me today. It takes courage to live; to really live anyway. I’ve dealt with so many fears for so many years, that I rarely allow myself to dream anymore. It takes more courage than I seem to have to allow dreams to become reality. Not that I haven’t tried at times. I have tried and have often been disappointed and discouraged; in self defense I have turned away from both dreaming and trying.
BUT TODAY IS A NEW DAY AND THE WAY I WAS YESTERDAY DOES NOT HAVE TO BE THE WAY I AM TOMORROW!
It’s time to dream again, and not just little dreams either. It’s time to get risky and let those dreams collide with fear, because someone I am has been waiting for courage for a long while. And you know what happens when there’s a collision; something breaks. Dreams are light; fears are darkness and the One Who IS Light dwells in me so I know which of the two will survive the collision intact. I just have to dare to be risky again.
I’ll have to ponder a bit about those dreams…..
I am SO tired today…but that’s because I actually went out yesterday. In the evening I surprised my friends by showing up at a prayer gathering at church. It was a wonderful time of fellowship and resting in God’s presence.I’m reading one of my favorite books, “A Wrinkle in Time” by Madeleine L’Engle. It is fantasy of course, but there is so much truth in this story that I sometimes wonder if L’Engle knows something that most of us don’t.
I am overwhelmed with the kindness of all the people who have sent me cards since the beginning of this time of illness. It’s been a month now, and more, and yet I got another card today. It has meant so much. It has also made me realize that when I think of sending someone a card or note, I need to just go do it right away. So often I think of these things and put it on my “to do” list and then it never gets done. To take the time to perform a kindness, no matter how large or small, is never wasted time.
So on that note I want to take a moment to thank those of you who take the time to read the words I write. Your comments mean a lot to me, and even if you don’t comment I know you’ve stopped by and that blesses me.
THANKS
The Darkness/The Light
I’m depressed. Not too surprising since I have dealt with depression my whole life and I have been through a lot in the past month and a half, but disconcerting just the same. I have a healthy fear of The Darkness, understanding all too well the varied consequences of giving in to it.
I find that the average person has little understanding of depression. Real depression is not just “the blues”, or a bad day, or even mere reaction to some circumstance. It can’t be willed away. It’s cause is a chemical imbalance in the brain, and it may or may not be brought on or worsened by circumstance. I believe that negative spiritual forces also come into play, but I can’t prove that. The Darkness is all pervasive, like a thick black blanket covering the soul and mind; heavy, oppressive, suffocating. The Darkness affects not only the emotions but the whole person.
Today I’m down; the Darkness is trying to close in but it won’t get to me and I know that. Today I’m just kinda sad for no real reason and want to be alone, and I trust that tomorrow will be different. I’ve lived in the suffocating presence of The Darkness and, by the grace of God alone, lived to tell about it. I actually thank God for days like today when I have a taste of that wretched blackness, for I need to ever remember what it was like. I need to remember so that I can recognize it from afar; so that I can fight and pray for Light before it gets too close to me. I need to remember that deep Darkness so that I will always recognize those who live there and treat them with compassion.
To all those who live on the edge of nothingness, who minute by minute struggle to keep from being utterly consumed by The Darkness, I say “don’t give up, don’t give in, the Light is come.”
Prayer
Jesus, Light of the World, Light of Life have mercy on your dear children who dwell in that Dark Place. Shine your light upon them I pray; shine and shine, brighter and brighter! Lord, it is your Light alone that delivers us from Darkness. Help them Lord, to sense your light even though they can see only darkness. Help us all to choose Light, and to be open to your Light. In your mercy Lord, hear my prayer.
amen