Happy Birthday to Me: The Best is Yet to Be

note: the publish date says Dec. 25, but it’s really the 24th as I write this.

Today is my birthday. Not just any birthday, but the Big 5-0. The birthday I’ve been dreading for years.

Somehow I’d gotten the idea that the age of 50 was the beginning of the end, or something. I certainly wasn’t looking at being 50 as an assest. I’ve been doing a lot of thinking in recent weeks though, and I have decided that this attitude is something that needs to fade into the past along with the decade of the 40’s.

I know lots of people that are older than I am. Many of them don’t seem any older to me, but I know that they are. As I’ve thought about people I know that are older than I, I have discovered that they all do cool and amazing things. Some of those things they didn’t even start doing until they were past 50. For instance, there is Dick who is perhaps old enough to be my father. He sings in the church choir even though it’s difficult for him to climb the steps to the choir loft with a foot that gives him trouble all the time. He takes voice lessons and sings in recitals. Then there is my dear friend Kerry who holds two jobs, sings, paints, quilts, and writes books to give to all her neices and nephews and a few others.  Wow!  We go walking together so I know she’s in decent shape too. Linda, who is about 15 years ahead of me in the age range,  hikes in Colorado where she and her husband moved only a year ago. She leads Bible studies and does tons of other stuff too, and this all while dealing with health issues as well.  My aunt Martha has lost a kidney and is diabetic, but manages to care for her handicapped granddaughter many days during the week, volunteers at a hospital, and goes to a health club to keep fit. Jo has survived a divorce, lost lots of weight and is looking super, is still a great teacher after more than 30 years, and is winning another fight with breast cancer. And she has a sense of humor to boot! The list could go on; I’ve discovered that doing interesting and valuable and fun things is not just for those in the realm of the young, or even the middle-aged.

So now I’m beginning to think that perhaps the best years of my life may be yet to come. Compared to when I was say 35, I am more confident, wiser, sassier, and I no longer have children living at home. I also laugh easier and longer, feel freer to be me than I ever have, and care less about what others may think. I am full of potential!

Hair Today, Hair Tomorrow

I’ve been wanting to get someone to take my picture so I can download it to appear on my web page. I like to see who’s written what I’m reading, so figure maybe other people may feel that way too. I wanted to wait until I got my hair done though, so haven’t done it yet.

Now, hair is obviously not the most important thing about me, or any of us. I’m no good at fixing hair and would prefer not to fuss with it a lot. I’ve known women who fussed excessively about their hair and found them to be rather shallow and annoying. BUT, I am now forced to admit that my hair is a more important issue than I thought. (If you are a guy and happened to land on this post, you might want to just mosey along now before you get bored out of your analytical mind.) I’m way to young for my hair to be as , ahem, pigment deprived as it is. Therefore I do something I said in my 20’s that I would NEVER do….I color my hair.  I spend the money and have it done by a professional because I don’t want to mess it up.  More and more of those pigment deficient strands keep growing in, so I decided a few months ago to go lighter, so maybe those pale strands would be less obvious as the hair grows out.  This met with mixed reviews. Daughter was shocked, parents and son wern’t sure what to think, hubby refused to comment, and my co-workers said I LOOKED YOUNGER.  It had turned out lighter than I planned, but eventually I decided I liked it and figured I’d keep it about that shade.

Today, I went to my hair stylist. I made the grave error of asking hubby what he really thought about my hair. He didn’t like it light. He wanted it darker, as before, and was quite clear about his opinion. Well, if I’m going to try to impress anyone with my appearance it should be hubby, (not that anyone else WOULD be impressed), so I thought, “What the heck, it’s just hair, I’ll make him happy.”

It had turned out lighter than I planned when I went light; now it turned out darker than I wanted. And I think it makes me look OLDER. It seems that there is no happy medium. Sorry hair stylist, but my hair doesn’t look like the little fake hair swatch on the color board, no matter what you say! Probably, since it had been processed in such a way as to make it lighter, it now picked up the dark color too well, or some such thing. I know it will look better in a couple of weeks, as it always seems to lighten up a little – especially those strands lacking in natural pigment. I think I’ll wash it every day and use cheap shampoo a couple of times and stay out in the sun a lot. All that should accomplish something!

So, I won’t be taking that picture for a couple of weeks, at least. On a more positive note however, I will mention that I am very grateful to have hair. I knew a woman once that had some rare disease causing her to have no hair. When I was very ill a few months back I was losing a lot of hair and was getting worried. So I am GLAD to have hair, whatever it looks like.

I just hope hubby is happy.

Theological Worldview??

I read about this quiz over at Widening Circles and decided to take it myself. It’s called “What’s Your Theological Worldview”. I really should mention that I had no idea how to answer some of the questions, so took my best guess or simply chose the middle of the road. Here are the results.

You scored as Emergent/Postmodern in your theology. You feel alienated from older forms of church, you don’t think they connect to modern culture very well. No one knows the whole truth about God, and we have much to learn from each other, and so learning takes place in dialogue. Evangelism should take place in relationships rather than through crusades and alter-calls. People are interested in spirituality and want to ask questions, so the church should help them do this. Emergent/Postmodern 86% Roman Catholic 71% Evangelical Holiness/Wesleyan 68% Neo orthodox 64% Classical Liberal 57% Modern Liberal 54% Reformed Evangelical 32% Charismatic/Pentecostal 29% Fundamentalist 0%

What’s your theological worldview?
created with QuizFarm.com

I doubt the accuracy about these sorts of things, as any intelligent person would have to, but it is interesting. Of course, I do not feel alienated from older forms of church; I think the Anglican tradition is fairly old. What’s with the fairly high percentage in favor of the Catholics? I’ve got nothing against them, but other than the liturgy part have not had any leanings in that direction that I’m aware of. Hummm, this is all very interesting. The best part of these results is knowing that all traces of fundamentalism in me are now completely eradicated. That is a serious relief! I don’t even know what some of these categories mean, and who is the guy in the photo anyway? (If anyone knows, be sure to tell me!)

Little Known Facts

I have been presented with a challenge that I simply must accept. Rachel has tagged me for this thing called a meme. So….here goes! (BTW thanks Rachel.)

The rules are: People who are tagged start by thinking about 7 random facts/habits about themselves. Each player then must write about those seven things on their blog, as well as include these rules. Players then need to choose 7 people to tag and list their names. Don’t forget to leave each person a comment telling them they’ve been tagged.

1. I hate tap water, well water, and pretty much any water that’s not bottled.

2. I’m sort of hooked on this online computer game called Word Link. I figure if I play it enough I might even get really good at it.

3. My all time favorite author is Madeleine L’Engle.

4. I’m definately not a morning person. If I could go to work at 10 am I’d be a happy lady!

5. I dream of traveling to Ireland one day.

6. I hate to go to weddings. I don’t know why; I just do.

7. I can’t sleep without the sound of the fan, air purifier, or humidifier. Whichever one is running at night depends on the season.

8. I buy quite a bit of my clothing at Goodwill and Salvation Army Thrift Stores. I really enjoy a piece of clothing the most when I know I got it cheap.

9. I take my own shopping bags to the grocery store; it’s good for the earth.

10. I love trees. I’m positive that there’s a forest in heaven.

I don’t know 7 people to tag, so this will have to do. Gail Christy

Books

I enjoy reading and I love books. Books have been a sort of comfort food for my soul throughout the years, and while I’ve never had the money to be a fanatic about buying books I still seem to have plenty on my shelves. It’s difficult for me to part with a book, even if I have not read it for years. I did part with quite a few when I moved nearly two years ago, selling them at moving sales or giving them away. Books tend to be heavy and I didn’t care to move all of them. For the most part I haven’t missed a one and am glad that I was able to simplify a bit. My college age daughter sold a few text books on Amazon.com recently and got good money for them. So I have been searching my bookshelves for books to sell myself. I’ve sold a few, but many of the books I happen to have and don’t really want are in abundance in the “for sale” marketplace, so I couldn’t make enough for it to be worth my time selling them.

I’m finding some interesting things sorting through the bookshelves. A good number of the books I own are written on some spiritual or theological topic. As I glance through some of them I find that I don’t agree with what the author is saying, but I know that I did at one time. My beliefs have changed, or perhaps developed is a more accurate way of putting it. Many books deal with “finding God” in one way or another. I don’t feel quite so compelled to read those books anymore because I am so much more secure in my relationship with God that I once was. I do not have to chase God or seek supernatural “miraculous” manifestations; I meet God in a supernatural manner every Sunday in the Eucharist and I’ve learned that if and when anything truely miraculous is going to happen I will have had nothing to do with it. God is so far beyond and above what I ever imagined, and I simply don’t try to figure it all out anymore. I’ve come to value the mystery of The Great Mystery.

Other types of books on my shelves include professional texts, children’s books left over from my own childhood and that of my children, informational volumes on one topic or another, and old books. I hesitate to call the old books antique, most of them are worth little but I like the way they look on the shelf. I have a growing collection of books by my favorite author, Madeleine L’Engle, a few volumes of poetry, and some of those little “memento books” that are fairly useless but were given to me as gifts so I keep them. I also have a small collection of old children’s readers that I keep for no other reason than that I teach children to read. I even have one that I think I remember reading in school as a young child. I have found a number of books that I have never read. I still plan to read them sometime, I think. I keep a small stock of paperback novels purchased at yard sales so I have something to read should the public library burn down, or I get snowed in or something. My least favorite books are the cookbooks, because I’d rather not be bothered with cooking.

Books are so much more than paper and ink; they form an integral thread in the life fabric of their readers. What’s on your bookshelf?

Snow Bunny

Another day home due to the weather. It ’s snowing here in central Ohio; more snow than I remember seeing for a few years.This is a picture of my rabbit. He’s a house rabbit; meaning that he is litter trained and has the run of my house. He does have his own little area though were his litter box is kept and he can be “locked in” if necessary. This is where I put the pan of snow. He’s never experienced snow before. First he sniffed it, then ate some, then put his front paws in. He really seemed to be enjoying himself, so I got a bigger pan.

After digging around in the snow for a while, my smart little (or not so little actually) bunny decided he’d had enough of the cold stuff and hopped away to warm up in one of his favorite hiding spots.

Snow is fun to play in, but NOT fun to drive in so I’m glad I don’t have to go anyplace. I see that the white stuff is really coming down now. I think I’ll go put on my boots and go get cold for a bit.

Some Days

Some days I wish that I
lived by myself,
No one else’s expectations to meet
or fail to meet,
No one else’s unreasonable claims
to listen to,
No one to misunderstand me or
accuse me of things that really are not true.
Some days I think it would be better
to be lonely alone than to be lonely in the
company of those I live with.
Some days…..
well, some days are just like today;
and some days are better.

The Darkness/The Light

I’m depressed. Not too surprising since I have dealt with depression my whole life and I have been through a lot in the past month and a half, but disconcerting just the same. I have a healthy fear of The Darkness, understanding all too well the varied consequences of giving in to it.

I find that the average person has little understanding of depression. Real depression is not just “the blues”, or a bad day, or even mere reaction to some circumstance. It can’t be willed away. It’s cause is a chemical imbalance in the brain, and it may or may not be brought on or worsened by circumstance. I believe that negative spiritual forces also come into play, but I can’t prove that. The Darkness is all pervasive, like a thick black blanket covering the soul and mind; heavy, oppressive, suffocating. The Darkness affects not only the emotions but the whole person.

Today I’m down; the Darkness is trying to close in but it won’t get to me and I know that. Today I’m just kinda sad for no real reason and want to be alone, and I trust that tomorrow will be different. I’ve lived in the suffocating presence of The Darkness and, by the grace of God alone, lived to tell about it. I actually thank God for days like today when I have a taste of that wretched blackness, for I need to ever remember what it was like. I need to remember so that I can recognize it from afar; so that I can fight and pray for Light before it gets too close to me. I need to remember that deep Darkness so that I will always recognize those who live there and treat them with compassion.

To all those who live on the edge of nothingness, who minute by minute struggle to keep from being utterly consumed by The Darkness, I say “don’t give up, don’t give in, the Light is come.”

Prayer

Jesus, Light of the World, Light of Life have mercy on your dear children who dwell in that Dark Place. Shine your light upon them I pray; shine and shine, brighter and brighter! Lord, it is your Light alone that delivers us from Darkness. Help them Lord, to sense your light even though they can see only darkness. Help us all to choose Light, and to be open to your Light. In your mercy Lord, hear my prayer.

amen

Someone I Am Is Waiting for Courage

I was listening to a Josh Groban CD today as I drove home from the dentist. It’s funny how I can listen to something many times, yet not hear it. Today for the first time I heard a song called Let Me Fall. I’ll just record the first two verses here.

Let me fall
Let me climb
There’s a moment when fear
And dreams must collide

Someone I am
Is waiting for courage
The one I want
The one I will become
Will catch me

It’s obvious to me why this beautiful song spoke to me today. It takes courage to live; to really live anyway. I’ve dealt with so many fears for so many years, that I rarely allow myself to dream anymore. It takes more courage than I seem to have to allow dreams to become reality. Not that I haven’t tried at times. I have tried and have often been disappointed and discouraged; in self defense I have turned away from both dreaming and trying.

BUT TODAY IS A NEW DAY AND THE WAY I WAS YESTERDAY DOES NOT HAVE TO BE THE WAY I AM TOMORROW!

It’s time to dream again, and not just little dreams either. It’s time to get risky and let those dreams collide with fear, because someone I am has been waiting for courage for a long while. And you know what happens when there’s a collision; something breaks. Dreams are light; fears are darkness and the One Who IS Light dwells in me so I know which of the two will survive the collision intact. I just have to dare to be risky again.

I’ll have to ponder a bit about those dreams…..

Halloween

I wonder if people in anyplace on the planet go as crazy over Halloween as many people do in the U.S.? Anymore, I think about as many people decorate their homes for Halloween as they do for Christmas! And, I must say it rather disgusts me. I realize that I am certainly in the minority, but I hate Halloween.When I was a young woman I met a couple, in a church, who had once been heavily involved in witchcraft and satanic worship. The man was the leader of the coven I believe. And they were even from my own hometown. (None of us lived in that town at the time we met.) They told some interesting stories to be sure! They said that the Satanist all think it’s really funny that so many Christians help them celebrate their high holy day. They thought that this just gives the day and what it really represents more power.

That was enough for me. I have not had anything to do with Halloween since that time. Some friends and family members think I’m extreme, and I may be, but to me this is one small way to give God all the Glory.