Looking for HER

I am a woman.

This may be a rather obvious statement, but it is a fact that I find myself thinking more about lately than I have before. I’m comfortable in my womanhood, at least I’ve never regretted the fact or wished I was something different. I believe that women should have equal rights in both church and state and I admire those who fought for it, and are still fighting for it, but I have never been much of an activist myself. For much of my life I found feminists with outspoken views to be irritating, at best.

I had certainly never considered that the fact that I am a woman has any bearing whatsoever upon my spirituality. At times I have had difficulty relating to a “male” God, but I have understood for a long time that God is really neither male nor female even if the church at large promotes the male image. Inclusive language, when it comes to referring to God, is interesting but I’ve seldom felt the need to use such language myself. So it came as a surprise to me when on Tuesday evening of Holy Week I found myself praying to “Mother” rather than to “Father”; I mean that I actually felt compelled to do this. Then the next day I had the experience of a uniquely female “God presence” visiting me. (This is described in Lenten Journey: Part 5.) This experience was so moving that I could not help but cry, even if I didn’t understand it.

I still don’t understand, but I do know now that this was a sort of turning point for me. I can’t quite explain it but something within me has shifted and I find myself constantly looking for this “Mother God” whom I have not previously known. I find myself wondering how the fact that I am a woman affects, or can affect, my own spirituality. I vacillate between being excited and horrified; excited that there is a whole other aspect or “person” of God that I am beginning to discover and horrified that somehow I have been mislead and am making a terrible mistake in pursuing this.

I read The Dance of the Dissident Daughter by Sue Monk Kidd at the suggestion of Gail. It’s an excellent book; I could scarcely put it down once I’d started it. The author relates her own journey into the Sacred Feminine, and it’s quite a fascinating journey. The reading has raised many more questions in my mind. I think that Kidd has taken this all a bit too far, but this is a valuable book and one that I’ll be re-reading and pondering for a long time. Doing a web-search on “Sacred Feminine” has proven to be less fruitful (there’s a lot of pretty flaky stuff out there), but I did find a blog that I’ve enjoyed reading of late. I don’t even know what I agree or disagree with of what I read; I only know that I am intrigued and that something of all this resonates deep within me as being very possibly right.

Lenten Journey: Brief Commentary

HE IS RISEN!!
HE IS RISEN INDEED! ALLELUIA!!

It was with great joy that I welcomed the Light as we celebrated the Easter Vigil this evening at church. The last week has been quite intense.

The story of my lenten journey, begun on Ash Wednesday and concluding after the Vigil, is a bit more than just a story. I saw (in my mind) everything I wrote, while in prayer or worship usually, but it was more than just a vision in my mind….it was as though some part of me was in those places experiencing those things and having those conversations. I really don’t know quite how to explain it. Last evening during the Good Friday service was especially intense. I silently cried through the whole thing because of where I was and what I was seeing in my mind. I didn’t want to see the crucifixion. I knew that God was not forcing me to do this; I could have stopped these mind movies at any time had I chosen to do so. I heard Jesus speak to my heart, “Do you love me enough to watch this?” How could I say no?

Some things I saw on my journey surprised me. Before this experience I had never even considered that “God” included a distinct feminine persona; I just thought that God the Father included both fatherly and motherly attributes. What does THIS do to the Trinity? To be honest, I’m a little shaken up by this; but just because something doesn’t seem to fit with anything I’ve heard before doesn’t mean it’s to be dismissed. The Bible says nothing of women being present at the Last Supper either, but that doesn’t rule out the possibility. It really doesn’t matter to me one way or the other. All I know is that God is so much bigger than the boxes we put him/her in. If I open my heart and my mind, even a little, I beleive that things far beyond the scope of my imagination can happen. This lenten journey has given me a taste, and I have to say, “I want more, Lord.”

Lenten Journey: Part 5

The road I travel through this rocky place is no longer treacherous. The rocks no longer tower so high as to engulf me in continual shadow. I see a light space ahead. I think, perhaps, that the worst of this journey is over, yet I am so very aware of my aloneness.

Suddenly, a companion appears at my side. My heart leaps as the woman greets me. “Will you travel with me?,” she cheerfully asks. “Happily,” I reply. As we journey on, sharing stories and comfortable silence, I begin to realize that I know this woman. I do not know her name or from whence she came, but rather I know her essence. It is a comfort to be with my companion and I am nearly afraid to question her, yet I must know, “Who ARE you?” “I am she of he,” is her cryptic reply. “I know you well,” she continues. “I hear when you sing, when you pray, and when you cry. I dance with the stars and I dance with you. I know your name. I sing your song. I am she of he and WE ARE.A great peace, peace from her, washes over me. I am honored that she walks by my side. I have a sense of being so intensely loved by this mysterious woman at my side. “I do not quite understand,” I say. “Understanding is not necessary,” my companion instructs, “only faith.” Tears of joy fall from my eyes as she takes my hand.